This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
