your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
