her vagina looked like bernie madoff
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Pants are for mortals
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize