You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
