man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize