I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
