He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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