my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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