I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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