I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
