So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
