i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
