can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
