remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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