i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
