I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
