This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
