i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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