I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Randomize
