Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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