I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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