I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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