Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
