if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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