if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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