I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This house was built for laser tag.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize