im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
