Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
