my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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