"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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