I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
