No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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