First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
