So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
