she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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