You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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