My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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