I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Why did my mother make you get naked?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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