awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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