How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
