you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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