If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
