I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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