My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
