I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
