I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
