apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
