I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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