i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
