is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
