Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
