***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
