Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
