can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
