i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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