i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
