I can tuck mytits in my pants
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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