if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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