Moan for me like Helen Keller
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
